Recycled Artwork for Change
About a month into quarantine I was feeling all the feels...uncertainty, sadness, loneliness, you name an emotion and I probably felt it. Now, I’m not someone who is afraid of their feelings. I’m very comfortable with my emotions and expressing them. I’ve always been sensitive and I like that about myself. But I felt like I couldn’t escape my emotions, like they had a hold on me to a point that I couldn’t get anything done on my to-do list.
While I’m a sensitive, feeler type, I’m also a goal-orientated person. If I’m not accomplishing things and checking items off of my to-do list, I feel like my day has been wasted. But I seriously needed a break from that if-I’m-not-doing-anything-and-accomplishing-things-I’m-a-failure mindset to give my feelings an outlet. I (kind of reluctantly) gave myself permission to not worry about my goals and create art for pure enjoyment and experimentation.
With no agenda or a clear idea of what I was going to make, I dove in. I sifted through my old artwork and started to destroy it, cut it, paint over it, and glue it to create new work. One day turned into two, and then three, and after about a week I looked down and saw I actually had a cohesive body of work. It was accidental, but was exactly what I needed.
I hadn’t stopped creating unless I needed to eat or give my dogs a rest from standing all day. I’m an artist, but artwork doesn’t always pour out of me effortlessly. Sometimes that’s the last thing I want to do. So when I find myself not wanting to stop to eat (and I LOVE food) I grab on tight with both hands and ride the creative energy train.
I was scared
to show anyone this work. Even though this accidental collection came from a place of true authenticity, I didn’t think anyone would understand it. Most of the pieces have this innocent, childlike quality to them. Something, I thought might get judged. Like when you hear someone say “my kid could make that" about a piece of art. That’s what I was thinking would be said about these pieces.
Being judged was just one of the reasons I was afraid to release this body of work. Another was because it’s a bit of a jump from my usual abstract paintings. Of course, my abstract work has evolved over the years, but I mostly see those changes as a marker for becoming a better artist and improving. I didn’t know if this was too much of a leap. If it was too unexpected from my usual style, and if it would be
The reasons I was afraid of releasing this body of work, that it would be seen as too childlike, are the exact reasons why I LOVE art similar to this. Personally, I think it’s hard to create art that has that childlike quality as an adult because we lose some of our imagination when we grow up. So when I looked at these pieces and saw how cute, fun, and happy they were, I was pretty impressed with myself. At the same time, I was thinking of all the judgments from people who may not understand these pieces and who might think they were too cute, fun, and happy, and it wasn’t real art.
I dissected this fear of releasing work into the world (work that I truly loved!) through journaling and really thinking about why I cared about what anyone thought. Any type of fear that comes up for me is almost always related to low self-worth and shadow. This part of my shadow consists of thoughts that I’m not as talented as other artists, that I’ll never succeed, that even if someone does like this work, they would never spend money on MY art, especially right now, in the middle of a global pandemic.
Ultimately, as you could have guessed because you’re reading this, I said fuck it and released my work out into the world. I’m not going to get anywhere by creating art that I love and hiding it away. I’m not going to help anyone by acting like I don’t have doubts, question my talents, and am insecure just like so many of us. Some people will resonate with this work and love it, and others will think it sucks, and I have to accept I’m not going to please everyone.
Taking it one step further, I made the easy decision to use my art platform and fears and put them towards something WAY bigger than myself. Seeing all of the injustice the last week is heartbreaking. It’s made me evaluate everything in my life, and really take a long hard look at myself and my white privilege. All of the feelings that I’ve had over the last week have been so intense that they’re almost paralyzing. It’s made me think, how can one person such as myself even begin to make a difference?
First, I’m having conversations about what’s going on, whether it’s with the guy at the coffee shop or my loved ones, I don’t want to pretend like things aren’t fucked up right now. Second I’m learning. I started listening to the book “White Fragility”, and have a list of other books to read and podcasts to listen to. If you have suggestions, please send them my way!! Lastly, I want to support organizations that are agents of change.
I’m donating all my sales
to Color of Change which designs campaigns to end practices that unfairly hold black people back and champion solutions. As well as ACLU whose mission is create a more perfect union.
Donating money to these organizations is just the start. It’s what I, as one person, can do immediately. And I feel that’s a far better option than being overwhelmed by my feelings and doing nothing at all. I want to continue to face my fears, have hard conversations, support marginalized communities, and educate myself. We’re in this together!